When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Important reminders
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
this post was so formative to me
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.