The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Owl Sanctuary
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add