Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
You Might Also Like
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Attacked by a mop.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.