Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
SF is the wild wild west man
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son