Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.