“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
You Might Also Like
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.