Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.