Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date