[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
You Might Also Like
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”