There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]