Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Wait for it
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Alarms are for people without children or puppies