Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Social distancing in Australia:
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.