Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.