Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*