Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.