Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Breaking news:
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.