Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.