Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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Customer is always right
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Leaving the Barbers like
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla