it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Cake safety first. Always.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
2022: I can fix it
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
real
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later