Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Never forget.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!