“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Happy thanksgiving!
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY