The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
You Might Also Like
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*limbos away from your hug*
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
where’s Godzilla when we need him