Childbirth is so beautiful
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Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets