please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.