Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.