Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
That’s classic.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.