[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.