The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I cannot stop laughing at this
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I thought this was funny lol
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.