Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me driving through Toronto