My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.