My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.