[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people