Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real