I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
#Caturday
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership