[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool