Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
You Might Also Like
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication