Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen