But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
stand with me against insufficient seating
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture