Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]