no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
It’s an epidemic…
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.