Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
scrabbled eggs
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”