BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
So true for me
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Same post same
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.