*orders delivery*
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
peeping toms
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi