[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.