I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
everyone has that one prude friend
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹