Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The Punning Dead.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Me recordaron éste meme
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.