[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.