Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
mmm onion ringos
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.