Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Very good news from my accountant
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.