WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.